Alex Watson

Input/Output - TV on demand is too demanding

Posted at: 3rd January 2008

Watching TV on a computer could make for a perfect Sunday afternoon - if only it worked.

It's Sunday afternoon, and my girlfriend is ensconced on the sofa, cradling the laptop.

'Aaallleeex, why isn't this working?' she asks.This isn't going to be one of those columns in which I moan to technically savvy readers about how my other half doesn't get computers, isn't that funny, et cetera, et cetera - in fact, thanks to several years of living with me, my girlfriend gets computers all too well. That's why, in addition to all the computers in the house that have been built and overclocked by me, we have a laptop that's covered by a level of insurance usually associated with betting shops soon to burn down in 'completely legitimate circumstances'.

She understands that I find messing around with computers fun, but she wants them to be something more than a massive timesink. In this case, she was trying to watch a video - which isn't exactly the most difficult task in the world to expect a computer to be able to handle in late 2007.

Unless, of course, you choose to do this in an entirely legal manner. She was trying to watch TV from ITV's website. Unfortunately, ITV's video-on-demand only works on Windows, and the laptop is a Mac. No problem, however, we have lots of PCs at home. Unfortunately, you can't curl up with a PC on the sofa. Well, you could but, as it's basically a large metal box, it would leave dents in your skin.

So my girlfriend treks to the study and turns on the PC, but the video still won't play. Fortunately, the ITV website has a diagnostic program, which lists all the hoops you have to jump through in order to get the video to play. There's enough to make you feel that you'd have more success if you were one of those genetically perfect dogs bred for Crufts. You need Windows. You need Internet Explorer. You need Flash. You need the Windows Media Player browser plug-in. You need to be able to spot the slim ActiveX alerts that appear at the top of the screen. You need to download a DRM add-on. You need to download the 'content entitlement' add-in. Throw in a couple of restarts and you're ready to watch TV!

With all this downloading, I expected the ITV video player to be extremely advanced. Unfortunately, it looks exactly like YouTube, a website that loads up in any browser, on any OS and only requires Flash. You can also detach the ITV player, and watch the video in Windows Media Player, the main benefit of which is the bottom left of the screen scrolling a message that alternates between '(c) ITV 2007', 'ITV plc', and the programme title. I have to confess that after 30 minutes of downloading, installing and rebooting - a process that sent my hard disk into an apoplectic fit - it was a tad disappointing.

At least my girlfriend could now watch TV. Not unreasonably, ITV.com plays an advert before each show. Unfortunately, like the rest of the experience, it's only marginally more pleasant than hitting yourself in the face with an iron, as ITV.com only has one advert, for Emmerdale Bingo. A bloke and two women are sitting around a table, chuckling over different bingo number nicknames such as 'More than eleven' (37). All goes well until the man suggests 'Two fat ladies' (88), to which they take great offence. Aside from instantly making me think that watching ITV is a mistake for anyone under the age of 80, it isn't too bad. Unfortunately, all the DRM nonsense means that Media Player suffers from errors and, whenever this happens, the programme starts again, complete with Emmerdale Bingo advert. I watched it so often that I seriously considered driving to the countryside and hurling my computer at the head of the first farmer I saw.

At this point, my girlfriend's patience suffered a BSOD. 'This is madness!' she yelled, as the rural buffoons chuckled away for the 95th time. I half-expected one of them to turn and yell, King Leonidas-style, 'THIS IS THE WOOLPACK!'

It's hard to compare ITV's video-on-demand service with turning on the TV and pressing the number three, but imagine choosing between a jar of rancid mayonnaise for your dinner or a nine-course meal prepared by Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver and Heston Blumenthal, and served to you on plates of gold.

Who on earth designed this monstrosity? Who at ITV's subterranean lair thought it was a good idea, or a product worthy of carrying the company's name and representing its services to the public? Do any of ITV's executives, who doubtlessly directed this project, use computers? If this is what they think computer use should be like, I'd guess the answer is no. It isn't just ITV that's guilty (although it brought us 'The X Factor', so it deserves to be indicted first); Channel 4 On Demand uses similar Microsoft DRM technology, as does the BBC's iPlayer.

I don't want this column to be too negative, so here's my suggestion: if you're an executive at a TV company, spend the next seven days living online. Unplug your TV and radio, and leave the paper unread. Use the Web instead, and after seven days, consider which sites you've used most frequently. If it's your own, well done, you are a shameless proponent of your organisation and I can see why you're a CEO. If not, look at the qualities that attracted you to the services you used. You'll probably find that these sites are simple and convenient, and they just work.

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Comments

itv.com video player - they must be joking

What rubbish the itv.com video player is. If you watch the older items on the archive, they "time out" after 20 minutes or whatever your screen saver is set to and no, you cannot resume using the next chapter key, the function doesn't actually work, you have to go back to the beginning and start again. it is just rubbish. Digital downloads don't work either, unlike the Beeb's iplayer where they last for 30 days. Who thought up this itv.com garbage?