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4 - Size, scale and movement are all virtually impossible to get right

That just doesn't look right...

CGI effects are even less convincing than a sincere Tony Blair when the rest of the rest of a film’s effects were achieved with real scenery and models. You can see this with the out-of-place CGI Muppets in the ‘Star Wars’ Special Editions, but it’s even more painful in ‘The Lord of the Rings’ films.

For the most part, Peter Jackson got the effects and scenery in these films right. The team went to the tremendous effort of building a real-life Hobbiton and the prosthetics and make-up are amazing. This is all great until you get to a bit of really obviously computer-generated tosh that makes everything the wrong size, gets the angles all wrong and makes the film characters move like Masters of the Universe figures.

Prime examples include the battle with the cave troll in ‘The Fellowship of the Ring,’ where the hobbits climb on top of him and shrink. Then there’s the awful bit where Legolas runs up and down the side of an oliphaunt, looking more like the Prince of Persia than a nimble elf in ‘The Return of the King.’ That said, it’s unfair to pick on the Lord of the Rings too much – it’s far from the worst offender as regards CGI usage.

However, in terms of CGI offences, LOTR is a litter dropper compared to the virtual murderer that is the Matrix Reloaded. The most gruesome offence is the dreadful Neo vs hundreds of Agent Smith scene, known as the ‘Burly Brawl’. 'By the time the melee is in full effect, everyone and everything on the screen is computer-generated - including the perspective of the camera itself, steering at 2,000 miles per hour.... This is virtual cinematography,' wrote Wired in a breathless preview of the scene, adding that 'the most impressive thing about the Burly Brawl is that it doesn't look virtual at all.' This is not quite how I recall it, and a quick watch of the footage on YouTube (see below) reveals that while it starts off strongly, after 3:30 or so, things start to get rapidly out of shape. Ropey scale, bodies that appear to be made out of marshmallow rather than skin and bone and a total lack of force to any of the attacks make Keanu’s wooden acting look the height of sympathetic sophistication.



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